Posts by tall penguin

103

I walked off the job today....

by Terry in

jw
friends

can't explain this one.. right in the middle of my shift i became disassociative.. my brain locked and i threw my hands up and kept repeating, "i can't do this!

i can't take this!

right out the front door of the bookstore.. i wasn't angry.

tall penguin

"Go figure. I'm a hypocrite!"

Join the club! :)

Glad to hear about your appt with the doc. Please keep us posted here. You're loved.

tall penguin

103

I walked off the job today....

by Terry in

jw
friends

can't explain this one.. right in the middle of my shift i became disassociative.. my brain locked and i threw my hands up and kept repeating, "i can't do this!

i can't take this!

right out the front door of the bookstore.. i wasn't angry.

You've Gotta Own it Baby.......

by AllTimeJeff in

as i write this, i am sitting and watching pbs's tribute to johnny cash.

specificaly, the johnny cash show from the late 60's.

my dad as i recall told me about this show and how revolutionary and groundbreaking it was at the time.

Great post. I've been going through a rough patch and it's a reminder I needed. I'm entering a space where I once again feel comfortable in my own skin. Thanks for sharing your thoughts AllTimeJeff.

tall penguin

54

Dfed and Damned for Life

by Hangin_on in

i have posted my story on here before.

i was dfed at 22 for sleeping with an 18yr old girl in my cong.

i was married and me and my "mistress" were both dfed.. i admit i was wrong by even the worlds standards.

tall penguin

"I agree with scully that you both could be suffering from PTSD. Counseling could help."

I was diagnosed with PTSD after striving for a year and a half to get reinstated. I wish I knew then what I know now. I would never have bothered trying to jump through their hoops. I think counseling would be useful at this point. You need support to see the reality of what's going on here. The wt blinders are on and it's killing you slowly. It's not worth it.

tall penguin

20

Anniversary...

by tall penguin in

jw
friends

i posted this on my blog: .

http://www.tallpenguin.com/2007/08/anniversary.html .

but i wanted to post it here as well.

tall penguin

Thanks everyone for your comments here and my pm. As well as your comments on my blog. I've been away from the site for the past few months just taking a step back from everything attempting to get some perspective on my life and what I've been through. It feels good to know that I can pop back in and find support here.

I've had two good days in a row which I haven't had in months. Days of present awareness. I realized yesterday that I've given this relationship breakup 5 months of my time and energy and the jw junk much much longer than that. And I wondered to myself, "how much longer do I really want to devote to any of this?" Sure, there's still heartbreak and grief and I'm sure I'll still have my moments, but it just all seems so silly and inconsequential sometimes. In the grand scheme of things, it's almost laughable that we take ourselves so seriously.

Of course, perhaps the meds are finally working. :) Whatever it is, I'm going to enjoy the moments as they come. This too shall pass. Eventually, everything does.

tall penguin

20

Anniversary...

by tall penguin in

jw
friends

i posted this on my blog: .

http://www.tallpenguin.com/2007/08/anniversary.html .

but i wanted to post it here as well.

tall penguin

Thanks Eclipse for that great site. I've got it bookmarked.

tall penguin

20

Anniversary...

by tall penguin in

jw
friends

i posted this on my blog: .

http://www.tallpenguin.com/2007/08/anniversary.html .

but i wanted to post it here as well.

tall penguin

Thank you to all for your comments. I want to believe things will get better but my brain has other ideas.

I've been in a major depression since the winter. The final stroke was the breakup with my bf who I left the org with. I really thought we'd come through that together and out the other side. Now, he's onto another relationship already and it makes me feel like everything we had was lies. It's like leaving the org all over again, questioning whether anything he said or did was real. Wondering if he ever really loved me at all. And whether anything in this life is real. And how do you tell?

I feel lost and hopeless. I have no will to get up. No will to eat. No will to do the things I used to enjoy. The doctors are treating me for Major Depressive Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress. We have yet to find meds that work. It's been months of trying different drugs. The one I'm on now just spiked my panic and I've had to be put onto other meds to counteract this one. The hope is that I will get over the hump and the med will work. If not, on to another.

Every day I do my best to start over, but I'm plagued with thoughts of him and his new life. I feel like he's winning somehow and that I'm the loser because I still feel so hurt, so heartbroken. After coming through the toughest trials of life in leaving the org, I thought we'd be able to weather anything. But I was wrong. I'm still not even sure why he left. All of the reasons he gave seem like bullshit now...wanting time to be single, wanting time to pay debts, not wanting to have kids with me because I believe in alternative medicine and he doesn't. It all seems pretty silly. Part of me even wonders if he was faithful to me. I know he took a girl away the weekend I moved out.

I was in a good place when I first moved out. I felt confident and ready to move forward. Then he started calling me 4 days later and took me on the emotional roller coaster from hell. Wanting to be with me, but wanting other girls too. And still wanting to tell me about the other girls as well, what he was "learning" about himself through these other relationships, meanwhile I let him back into my heart (stupid me) and let him do his dance all over me for 6 weeks. That's what pushed me over the edge. It was the being used. It was the being toyed with. It was him wanting the same friendship without any of the commitment. And so now, I'm left with these memories of him and I don't know what was real, what was true. We said we were going to get married, have a family together. Now it's over and I feel stupid for having bought into anything he said. I feel bamboozled, just like I did when I left the org. He sold me on an idea of love and I bought it. I wanted to believe he was telling me the truth. Now I just feel dumb for even letting him into my heart, into my soul, into my body.

Everyday I am triggered by thoughts of him, thoughts of his new gf. I hear a song, eat a certain food, watch a certain film and I am traumatized. My heart races. I feel trapped and I want to run screaming from my life.

I have supportive people in my life. This is true. It is a blessing that I still have my brother and my parents and a number of friends. But all their love and well wishes still doesn't make the pain go away. Most days I want to carve out my spoon with a knife. I think about suicide daily. I don't know how to live this life. I don't know what to do with these feelings that hurt so much. I don't know how to trust people. I don't know how to stop these thoughts from churning in my mind, from churning in my belly. These thoughts that I'm unlovable and unworthy and hopeless. I can't see the sun behind these clouds.

tall penguin

20

Anniversary...

by tall penguin in

jw
friends

i posted this on my blog: .

http://www.tallpenguin.com/2007/08/anniversary.html .

but i wanted to post it here as well.

tall penguin

I posted this on my blog:

http://www.tallpenguin.com/2007/08/anniversary.html

But I wanted to post it here as well.

Two years ago today, it was announced at my local Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses that I was no longer one of them. And that's when the shunning began. I had attempted to send out a letter to a few of my close friends before the announcement was made as to why I was leaving so they wouldn't be shocked and at least I could say goodbye. One friend, who I'd known since I was 5 years old responded with anger. Another refused to speak to me, even before the announcement was made. Of all the people I knew and loved my whole life in that group, there was only one that wished me well.

I was alone the night the announcement was made. I heard it through a hook up patched secretly into the meeting's phone line. I was at a cottage, supposed to be enjoying a much-needed holiday. J was working that week and would arrive later. But I was alone when the announcement was made. And I cried alone.

When I was 15 my grandfather died. I was alone when I got the call from my parents. I cried alone then too.

J is gone now (the boyfriend I left the jw's with--we broke up a few months ago--it's been hard). The last witness to my jw past. I have been perusing photos today. We were happy once. We shared a lot of good times. Now they are gone. Like all the others in those photos. They are all gone. It is unlikely I will ever see these people again. Just like I will never see my grandfather again. Part of me has died along with each of them. And here I am, once more crying alone.

It is raining outside my window as I type this. The sky is gray, heavy with sadness. My heart feels like it has sunk into my stomach.

I do not yet feel the freedom of being released from the Matrix. The illusion was a warm blanket in a harsh world. All I feel is grief. The grief of what will never be again. And the unanswerable question of whether it ever was to begin with.

tall penguin

133

Mental Illness - diagnosed for me

by Crumpet in

i've long known, and most of you probably have as well, that there was something not all there with me.

mostly i put it down to me being bad.

questions i've never been asked before.

tall penguin

I'm not on the board much these days, but wanted to pop in to give you a big hug Crumpet. You are courageous and strong. Know that you are loved and that you have the support of so many here who care for you.

tall penguin

19

Anyone here an "INTROVERT" aka: HSP (Highly Sensitve Person)?

by What-A-Coincidence in

jw
friends

raises hand.

i found this book while perusing a book store in midtown manhattan.

it overwhelmed me because all this time i thought i was not "normal" (i can hear the peanut gallery now).

tall penguin

I actually blogged about this book recently.

http://www.tallpenguin.com/2007/06/are-you-hsp.html

I'd say that I identify with the nervous system profile. And my profile is INFJ.

tall penguin